"Martyball" -- The kind of football the San Diego Chargers now have to play, at the direction of head coach Marty Schottenheimer, who wants his players to slowly and inexorably move up the field like a glacier. It focuses on your offense rushing its way up the turf without any showboating (a sort of "slow rushing") and your defense holding the opponent back enough to force them to play a long field. Your quarterback does not get to shine by throwing long fancy passes (which Drew Brees is not really up to, anyway), and in fact he is severely limited in the number of times he may throw the ball. It is a reactionary strategy, considering that the tendency for many NFL teams is to throw much more frequently, some QBs throwing 50-70 passes per game now. Martyball leans hard on Chargers' talented rusher LaDamian Tomlinson. Martyball is not indicated for use when your team has failed to score in the first half and must make a tremendous effort offensively to play catch-up.
"Athleticism" -- A term that sums up the qualities NFL teams are looking for in quarterbacks now. Kordell Stewart of the Pittsburgh Steelers is a good example of this: A more heavily muscled player, still smart and good at strategy, still has to be a good passer, still has to be pretty tall, but now definitely has to be stronger and quicker on the move than QBs of the past. Defenses now are too fast and stop the running game more easily now. If a QB has not got a great arm for long passes he needs combination skills. This term, unfortunately, used to be a code word describing a newly-acquired black player who played QB in college ball but got placed in another position because of racial prejudice. The opening up of the quarterback position beyond a whites-only club brings the desired talent forward. If we could be Dr. Frankenstein and sew together the bits to make up our ideal quarterback, we'd definitely take Kordell's legs along with his emotional balance. He's been starter, then second, then starter, then second and if he is chosen to start again later he'll do it without showing resentment. Then we'd sew on Dan Marino's golden arm; Fran Tarkenton's eyes (he could look and run at the same time); Daunte Culpepper's mind-to-body connection (he seems to be able to translate plays into action with his considerable strength, he's worth watching far into the future); Brett Favre's everything; and let's see. Of course, Terry Bradshaw's spirit, his cheerful ability to jump right up after taking a hit. And we want his Neanderthal eyebrow ridge, too. That's definitely getting sewn on.
"Losers" -- A pejorative term used to indicate the Cincinnati Bengals, the only NFL team to still be 0-anything this far along. Bengals QB Jon Kitna, who started the last couple of games, has been asking coach Dick LeBeau to choose and keep one man at quarterback, even if it's someone besides Kitna, just so they have stability and consistency. The Bengals have used 3 different QBs in only 5 games. The greatest obstacle the Bengals face may be frustration and despair of the team itself. Running back Corey Dillon has hinted he may retire or ask to be traded despite his $26.1 million contract, wide receiver Michael Westbrook sat glum and inactive in the game against Pittsburgh, and defensive captain Takeo Spikes has been frequently and loudly vocal about feeling "like a piece of meat in the ocean" in shark-infested waters. Older teams like the Dolphins or Steelers, he says, have an identity that doesn't get lost when things go bad for the team. Coach LeBeau still receives a surprising amount of support from the players, who, according to Spikes, chalk up their failures to "a lot of little things" rather than poor coaching. Could simple fan support help revive them? LeBeau waits without apprehension the keeping or loss of his job; football fans wait for the Bengals to thoroughly examine their game and start fixing all those little things; Cincinnati waits for a win; and the Bengals may be waiting for Cincinnati to come round for them.
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